We have so many ideas about sex and about love that sometimes, even when we have the lucky opportunity to undertake a spiritual path like Tantra, we are so obsessed by “the way we should make love” and by “what being tantric means” that we miss the core of this experience.
Radha Luglio shares one of her intimate experiences during the years spent in Pune, before founding the Tantralife school and teaching her method all around the world.
The courage to follow your energy
“There are no fixed patterns, no golden rules except one: to connect with your own energy and have the courage to follow where it leads. And Tantric intimacy occurs when two people meet from this space, not compromising or adjusting, following their own energy first, and meeting because at this time, in this situation, energy is flowing between them. Intimacy, in other words, is a by-product of tuning into yourself.
Two years after my affair with Enzo, when I was back in Pune, I started spending time with Yama, the young man from Chile with whom I went to Bangkok. He was certainly a beautiful young man: tall, with olive-colored skin and long, wavy hair — a very Latino kind of look, even more attractive than Antonio Banderas. He was friendly and flirtatious with many women, but a faithful Cancerian at heart and had been living with the same girlfriend for five years. We’d already met in Oregon and later in Italy, but now, when we met again, he was returning to Pune by himself, having split up with his woman. Being friends, we found ourselves hanging out together quite often until one day a girlfriend, seeing us dancing together in Buddha Hall, came to me and said, “Is something is going on between you and Yama?” I shook my head. “No, we are just good friends. Why do you ask?” She smiled mischievously. “Take another look. You guys have a lot of energy with each other.”
That switched on a light bulb in my mind and when I talked to Yama he admitted that he was also wondering about us. We both concluded that we were a little bit more than friends. There was energy flowing between us on many different levels and so we decided to check it out — to see if it was real or not. We found it surprisingly difficult to change from friendship to being lovers. We would spend the night together and mostly laugh and have lots of fun, cuddling, caressing, giggling and playing, but when it came to actually making love it was hard, especially for him. We might have felt sexy on the way home, but in bed the feeling disappeared. At some point Yama started to feel more and more under pressure, because the idea of having to perform sexually was causing him problems.
I think it is a serious problem in every man’s mind — and in a very different way in a woman’s, too. What I found surprising was the unusual and generous way in which Yama took care of the situation. He told me, “Look, it’s already ten days since we’ve been spending nights together but nothing is happening. I don’t want you to feel not free. If you have an attraction to anybody else and would like to explore it, please go ahead. And it will help me because then I won’t feel under pressure.” I never imagined I would accept his offer because I was really falling in love with him and usually, when I’m in love, no one else is interesting to me. Yet, sensing that Yama wanted it this way and looking around, I had to admit there was another guy who was attractive, and who’d already made it clear he would like some dates with me. So I thought, “Well, let’s try it out and see what happens.”
A strange experience
So I started to date the other guy. I wasn’t in love with him but he was very nice and the feeling between us was very sexual. Making love was easy and enjoyable for us both. This was a new and strange experience for me. It felt like I had a husband, Yama, who was spending every night with me in a very sweet and loving way, and I had a lover who was coming in the afternoons for a couple of hours. When guilt started to knock on my door I checked in with Yama: “Are you sure this is okay? Because from my side, I’m enjoying myself but I find it strange.” Yama was very clear about it. “It’s totally okay. The minute I feel it’s not okay, I’ll let you know.”
Then, after two or three days, suddenly out of nowhere, Yama and I started to make love. Not feeling the pressure to perform, he could relax much more and the energy could flow the way it wanted. Now we could go into love-making. I was happy, but strange in a new way because now to I had two lovers. Again, I felt the need to be reassured by Yama. He said, “Don’t worry about it. When it starts to bother me, I’ll let you know.” A few more days passed, with me enjoying both men, and then one morning he happened to see me hugging my other lover on one of the ashram paths. At that point he came to my room and said with a grin, “Okay, now you can get rid of him.”
So I did and it was easy, because I’d always been clear with the other man that I was in love with Yama and he’d accepted the situation. I wasn’t the only woman in his life and when I told him I wanted to stop he wasn’t hurt by it. Yama and I began a love affair that I consider one of the most beautiful of my whole life, because from the very beginning it was based on friendship and this made our relating very intimate and deep.”
Radha Luglio “Tantra A way of living and loving”